


Getting Over

by ssasakii



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF
Genre: Happy Ending, M/M, Moving On, Relationship(s), Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-06-28 02:22:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19802752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssasakii/pseuds/ssasakii
Summary: Their break up seven months ago was still fresh and horribly affecting him. Then all of a sudden, he received a text from Gwilym inviting him to his birthday, and learning that the person he'd been avoiding for months will be there.  The thought of seeing that person again was driving him nuts. It's been months without contact and  now, he had to face him. Face your fears, they say.





	1. Into You

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my native language so forgive if there's a any grammatical errors and such.  
> Comments and kudos are highly appreciated.  
> (quotes are from the lyrics of the song the chapter was inspired from)

* * *

_“I don't wanna give you all this power_

_I'm so defenseless when it comes to you_

_And everybody knows when we're in the same vicinity, I dodge you”_

* * *

_‘Hey, Ben. It’s Gwil. It’s been a while. And I miss you, mate. I don’t know if you still remember but I have a little birthday celebration this weekend. Just at home. Hope you could come.’_

Ben stared at the text longer than necessary. He’d been playing the phone with his hands as he thought of what to say, whether he should say yes and go there, or decline Gwil again after turning down all his invitations of hanging out with some friends for a number of times now, and it was all because of avoiding the possibility of seeing his ‘ex’ there. Joseph Francis Mazzello III. 

And he’d been avoiding him since they decided to end their relationship.

Their relationship lasted for three years and their break up seven months ago was still fresh and horribly affecting him. Well, he’s trying to move on slowly, though. He’s been in a few break ups before but this was different. Maybe he’s got it pretty bad of thinking about settling down with this person and not seeing that that day would even come. _God!_ How he wanted to erase that hurtful memory from his mind but living a life having that terrible part missing sounded like losing so much. It could be that he’s getting used to living with that hurt because that hurt was the only thing that’s helping him to get on with life.

Heck! He still even have his ex’s number saved on his phone and still keeping his favorite Polaroid picture of him in his wallet. And was still listening to that mixtape occasionally, consisting of the songs Joe reminded of them, which he gave him on their first anniversary. Maybe he really had bad coping mechanism about moving on, because he would even sometimes wear the sweater his ex had left in his house and let his scent embrace him making him feel like he’s right there lying beside him.

He had been told by some of his friends he could confide — who doesn’t know Joe personally; that he should delete and throw the things that would only remind him of the man. And most importantly for him to stop hoping that his ex would come back to him one day. That’s why they’re called ex, meaning former, a thing from the past. So move on, they said — a very overrated and overused phrase. And if his ‘ex’ also wanted to have him back then he should have had done it soon. Besides, it’s been several months without contact and they’ve never seen each other ever since and it was because Ben had been avoiding him. But now, he had to face it. Face your fears, they say.

Sometimes he didn’t know if it was a good thing that they had some common friends or if it was truly a bad idea or a curse. But he loved those friends so much and he treated them like family. Ironic, right? Friends of Joe were also friends of his. 

He had confided with Allen – one of his common friends with his ex – after shutting people down for a week because he thought their break up wouldn’t affect him so badly and it did, at least to him. He poured everything to Allen and he appreciated his company as the brunet only listened and just went along with his tantrums. And most importantly Allen had understood why he failed to hang out with them at times. He even found himself asking him if his ex joined them on their hang outs and he said, _‘yes, occasionally.’_ And even how much Ben was dying to ask if Joe had asked them about him, the mere thought of it broke his heart to pieces. He felt so hopeless. Why was he even thinking about his ex having a care about him? If there was one thing he should be doing, that was to forget about him. But how could he do it if he kept hearing about that man.

And like the heavens have heard his miseries, one day, Gwilym had texted him that Joe had asked about him. It was so sudden and really random. And just thinking about that incident that happened five months ago, _‘Can you believe it? Joe had finally asked about you!’ How_ Ben just wanted to say no again, but deep inside he so wanted to see him, even for once. To ask how he was, see what he looks like. _Did something change?_ To see his smile, to hear his laugh again and to lean onto that voice that calmed his demons down. 

_Shit! Stop it!_

He found himself texting back.

**Ben**

_Is he coming?_

And it was too late when he realized that he had already hit the ‘ _send’_ button _._

_Oh no! No!!_

Then before Ben could send another text to Gwil to tell him to ignore the message, the latter had replied. Ben was afraid to open and read it. His friend might ask who he was referring to. What would he say? Or maybe Gwil had already figured out.

He blew a sigh and the temptation got the best of him and his thumb clicked the notification and opened the message.

**Gwil**

_Who? Joe? Yes. He said he will. Don’t tell me you’re not coming?_

How he just wanted to vanish even though he’s not physically present in front of his friend. His finger hesitated to type out a message. He bit his lip as he stared at the thin blue vertical line blinking in the blank white box, like it’s waiting for him to say something as well. Then he sighed and typed a quick text: 

**Ben**

_I will go._

Then he tossed his phone on his bed not waiting for his friend’s reply. His hands searched through his pockets and pulled out the cigarette stick he would always bring with him in case he needed to calm down. He stood up and pulled his bedside drawer open to take out a lighter, and then he went outside.

His fingers restlessly tapped on his side as he took a long drag. He kept building scenarios about seeing his ex in the party after what felt like a long time.

He missed him.

And that feeling of missing someone with beautiful and bittersweet memories attached to it was killing him. What’s worse was he’s missing a person that wasn’t his anymore and he couldn’t do a bloody thing about it. He took another drag as he tried to stop the tears that were now forming from the corner of his eyes.

_Why do things have to end_ — He couldn’t even form to think about what happened. 

He loved Joe and it almost became a habit of him to think back of the things that he might have failed to do or things that he might have done wrong in their relationship that possibly caused their break up. But they never had a fight. If anything, they support each other, and understood the other completely. They could openly talk about anything and if there were things that bothered them or that upset them, or the things that they might have misunderstood. And those were some of the things he cherished about being with him. Something he never found from anyone he’s been with before Joe.

So their break up was a huge blow on him. It was one of those special days spent with his … ‘ex’ on his bed, one beautiful afternoon when Joe brought up the topic about things being too good for both of them. 

_“This is all too perfect, Ben. And there’s nothing I could ask for,” he said._

_Ben turned his body to his boyfriend to take a better look at his very charming face. It may sound too cheesy but that’s what he always felt every time he looked at Joe. He never knew what the phrase ‘crazy in love’ meant until Joe happened in his life._

_“Yes, I feel the same, love.” A smile formed upon his lips._

_“And it scared me,” Joe heaved a sigh as if he’s been holding it for too long._

_Ben couldn’t understand but he felt a sudden tension building up inside him. He raised his body up a bit to have a better look at his boyfriend. “Why? What’s wrong?”_

_“I mean… what if…” Joe took another sigh again. His hazel eyes gently moved to him and his hand reached for his chin, caressing it so softly. It calmed Ben everytime he does it but this time he couldn’t find the will to relax._

_“You’re so beautiful. Not only appearance wise. I know nothing’s perfect in this world but for me, you are.” Joe said and his eyes looked at him like he’s some kind of an angel and he’s saying his final goodbye before leaving this world and lay in his heavenly wings._

_“Joseph,” Ben held his hand that’s caressing him gently and gave it a kiss. Then he stared into Joe’s eyes, meaningfully before he leaned down and chastely caressed his lips with his own. His tongue gently teased as he grazed it along his lover’s lips. Then he tasted something wet and salty. He frowned and broke off and saw few tears streaming down his boyfriend’s face. “What’s the matter?”_

_Joe moved his eyes up to keep more tears from falling down. Ben could see that he’s struggling and he felt even more worried._

_“Joe—”_

_“This.”_

_Ben furrowed his eyebrows, a look of confusion crossed his face. “This? What do you mean?”_

_“This is too perfect, Ben. This can’t be real.” Joe wiped his tears with his hands._

_“I can’t understand what you’re saying, love.” The blond came to reach for his lover’s face and brushed the tears away with his thumb._

_“I…” Joe looked at him and pain was printed in his hazel eyes. His heart seemed to fold by the sight and he suddenly couldn’t move an inch. He was praying that Joe’s not going to say the thing he’s so afraid to hear._

_And he hated how his gut was always right._

_“I… I don’t think I can… we can continue on with this relationship anymore.” Joe sobbed. This was the first time, again, that he saw him cry in pain like this since the time he was trying to move on from his father’s death._

_Ben had never experienced how to have a bullet shot in his heart but it felt like that in that moment. Tears rolled down his eyes at once._

_“Wh— Tell me you’re joking..right?” He found it hard to speak. He smiled as he couldn’t take the reality completely yet. No, this wasn’t true._

_“No, Ben. I… Since my dad died…I felt afraid that one day, you would leave me too. Physically. So the mere fact that you’re here even though we’re not together is more bearable for me. You’re too perfect for me. And I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting you… Sometimes, I feel like I don’t deserve—”_

_Ben covered his boyfriend’s lips with his mouth and he kissed him desperately. He wanted Joe to know how much he loved him. He felt Joe’s lips fighting the urge to kiss him and his hands tensed up against his chest and he felt them pushing him off._

_“Ben please!” Joe breathlessly said as he succeeded pulling his face away from him. Their faces were flushed red as their tears flowed like a river down their faces._

_“Joe, I don’t care! I will never leave you… Not yet. I’m here. And you deserve me. You’re perfect. You are only for me. Please… please don’t—please don’t do thiiis. I would never leave you.” More tears ran down from Ben’s greens that made it looked like glistening crystals._

_He couldn’t understand why this was all happening. It almost felt like a dream. A nightmare. Then he felt hands on his arms, shaking him a bit. “Ben.. Look at me. Listen to me.”_

_Ben looked at Joe with tearful eyes but he continued sobbing._

_“This is hard for me Ben. Fuck. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life.”_

_“Then don’t make this harder for us.”_

_“I’m sorry, Ben.”_

* * *

“BEN!”

He blinked twice. He turned and saw Allen approaching him. He smiled at once and gave the man a hug.

“Man, I missed you.” He said giving Allen’s back a light tap.

“Same here, Ben. Come on let’s sing our old mate a happy birthday!” Allen broke off from the small embrace and handed him a party hat. Ben took it and he was brought to the dining room where everyone already gathered around a long rectangular table. And he saw Gwilym standing at the center with a party hat on with the others, and in front lies a huge chocolate cake with some fancy toppings and a number of candles lit up indicating his friend’s age. 

Ben puts his party hat on with his free hand as the other was holding a wine glass. From the corner of his eyes he spotted someone appearing from the other room and normally he would just ignore it. But like some force whispered to him to check who it was, his head turned to that person and he saw the one he’s been avoiding for, in months. And at once, everything seemed to move in slow motion. 

He stared at him longer than necessary. He looked even more beautiful and it made his heart ache and the man was staring back at him as well, it was a gentle stare, then he raised his glass slightly towards his direction and Ben had forgotten how to move. _What was he supposed to do?_

He suddenly fidgeted on his place and adjusted his party hat. He felt the need to face a mirror so he could check himself out. But soon everyone was greeting “CHEERS!” and he lost track of what was happening, so he tried to keep up by raising his own glass like everybody else.

He cheered along but his eyes moved back to the person he had convinced himself that he never wanted to see. And, likewise, the man kept on glancing back to his direction. A smile still plastered on his face. Ben doesn’t want to see it because the question of why they have to end the beautiful thing they had come screaming back into his head.

Then he came into a realization, the one thing he was sure of.

He wasn’t ready for any of this yet.

“Excuse me.” He said to Allen but his eyes were on his ex.

He rushed outside the house and took a breath of air. Thankfully, no one’s around. And it was pretty dark and quiet outside but the faint sound of happy chatters and cheering could still be heard. His hands started to feel his pockets for the cig he brought with him. He pulled it out and lit it up.

“So you haven’t quit it yet.”

_Fuck!_ That voice he hadn’t heard for so long was now haunting him again.

He let out a breath, “Yeah,” and took a drag. 

He couldn’t face him. He didn’t know what he could and might do and he might not be able stop himself if he ever did.

He’s trying to control the shaking of his body.

“May I?”

“What?” He turned to the… _still so beautiful_ face of the man he once and still loved. Even how hard it was to admit.

“Smoke?” He said.

Ben simply held the cig towards him as he looked away. “So you’re smoking now, eh?” He quietly said.

Joe took a long drag and later, he coughed. Ben turned to him at once and his body ready to comfort him if ever he needed it. _Stop it! Stop worrying about him as if he’s still yours!_ And thankfully, he had stopped himself from at least holding the man. 

“Well, it seemed that you don’t,” he chuckled lightly, instead, as he watched Joe continued to cough.

Joe extended his arms as he gave the cig back to him and his fingertips oh so lightly grazed against his, and it sent electricity down his arms which caused the stick to almost slip off from his fingers.

”I tried it once. But guess I’m still not used to it.” Joe explained. His nose scrunched up a little. A habit he usually does. How Ben missed it.

“Don’t dare learn it.”

And the stillness of the surroundings embraced them but they’re thankful for the music from the inside as it eased the tension growing between them. 

“How are you?” Finally, Joe was asking him the question he didn’t know the answer to yet and it took a moment for Ben as he thought of what to say. 

_Should he say… I’m fine. Yourself?... or Same old Ben… but who’s the same old Ben? That happy and full of hope, Ben? Nah!... Pretty fine I guess?... Lie...lie and lie…_

The blond took a long drag and blew the smoke out of his mouth as he contemplated.

“I’ll be lying if I say that I’m fine. I’m not.” He finally said after a while and his voice almost cracked. And even how much he wanted to know what Joe was feeling or how he was or if their break up was still affecting him like it does to him, he chose not to say anything.

“Ben.” Joe took a step towards him but that simple mention of his name coming out from his lips was still the one that could end Ben right then and there.

“Stop. I…” Ben turned to Joe and heaven forbid, he so wanted to take the man’s lips to his, but instead he stepped back inside, straight to the kitchen to take some bottle of Vodka and he gulped the contents down his throat. He had drunk and drunk and just randomly picked up various liquors, not caring whatever it was. The stronger the better, drowning out the thoughts of his beautiful past with Joseph Francis Mazzello III. And how funny was it that how their relationship ended was still beautiful. How was he going to move on from it? HOW?

Maybe it’d be easier for him to forget Joe if the only thing he did was to hurt him or if he had done anything terrible or toxic, but he didn’t. All he gave him was nothing but love and care and understanding and everything he could ever look for in a person. Of course there were some flaws but it’s something that they had worked out and talked over which also made their relationship stronger and now a beautiful memory. But the worst of it all, he could never find anyone like Joe. 

Until now his heart still wanted Joe.

The intro of the song his ex had sang to him on the night they decided to become official started to play. _Their song_. He was pretty tipsy but his mind’s still working properly and he’s sure, they’re just playing that song.

_Are they bloody serious?_

He walked to the sitting room and saw Gwilym drunkenly singing along with some of their friends and he saw Joe even smiling along with them. 

“ _I never meant to cause you any sorrow_ … _I never meant to cause you any pain…_ ” His friends started to sing.

He brought the bottle in his mouth but it’s now empty. He groaned and walked back to the kitchen.

The song was around him…. _Fuck this house! Why does everything have to be bloody centralized?_

_‘I only wanted to one time to see you laughing_

_I only wanted to see you_

_Laughing in the purple rain’_

And he never understood the true meaning of the song until now. Or maybe it gave him a new meaning because of what he’s feeling right now.

He paced around the house looking for an escape.

* * *

_“Purple rain, purple rain_

_Purple rain, purple rain_

_Purple rain, purple rain_

_I only wanted to see you_

_Bathing in the purple rain”_

_Ben was so surprised, and he had a smile so wide it would reach the corners of his ears, seeing his friend singing ‘Purple Rain’ by Prince with a little dance which Ben found purely sexy on the bloody stage of this little pub._

_‘Man, he had lost it!’ he thought, chuckling to himself as he clapped his hands and cheered! “Way to go, Joe!” He said. They had few beers already._

_Then the little crowd inside cheered and some even started singing with Joe._

_“I never wanted to be your weekend lover_

_I only wanted to be some kind of friend_

_Baby, I could never steal you from another_

_It's such a shame our friendship had to end…_

_Sing with me, Benny!” Joe held out his hand towards his direction._

_Ben blushed so hard when he got the crowds’ attention. He shook his head and mouthed, “No, Joe. Just no!”_

_“Come on!_

_Purple rain, purple rain_

_Purple rain, purple rain_

_Purple rain, purple rain_

_I only wanted to see you_

_Underneath the purple rain,” His friend went on singing._

_It was contagious that Ben couldn’t help but sing along too. And Joe seemed pleased as his face lit up and his smile grew wider as he saw him sang with him. And it was the most beautiful thing Ben had seen._

_“This song’s for you, Benny!_

_Honey, I know, I know_

_I know times are changing_

_It's time we all reach out_

_For something new, that means you too...”_

_‘Yes, yes I think we have to, Joe. I want you. Let’s bring whatever we have into something new. Let’s try us. Together.’ Ben had stopped singing. He took another shot of the wine they had just ordered along with a bucket of beer._

_He had been having feelings for his friend. Were they even friends? No, they were soul mates. They had once talked about it and that was how Joe described their bond. And he agreed._

_They know they love each other and he would lie if he would say that he hadn’t thought of being with Joe, like to have an actual relationship with the man. He had even thought about kissing him. And there were incidents that felt like they wanted to feel each other’s lips, and it couldn’t just be him._

_If they had to end their beautiful friendship just to take it on a whole new level then he would gladly destroy it._

_Joe’s hitting the high notes and receiving even louder cheers had distracted Ben from his thoughts. And the man did really have a good voice. He clapped along and cheered. Then he just sang along as he drank while trying to forget his wishful thinking that seemed impossible._

_“So Ben, I hope you’re not yet wasted, mate!” Joe said after he finished singing which received a good laugh from the crowds. Then Joe thanked them and walked back beside Ben._

_“So how was it?” Joe asked before taking a few shots._

_“What? Your singing? ‘Twas good, mate!”_

_Joe just smiled and took shot after shot of liquor until his face scrunched up as the alcohol started to kick in. His friend was acting a little weird as he just kept on drinking and not talking that much._

_“Hey, slow down,” Ben placed a hand on the small of Joe’s back._

_Joe just exhaled sharply after taking another shot. He hasn’t looked at Ben since he started drinking. And it’s worrying the blond even more. “Are you alright, mate?”_

_“Mmhhmm…” Joe finally turned to him, his face a faint shade of red. “I got something to tell you.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Confess, rather.” Joe held his gaze._

_Ben only stared at him as he waited. One of his brows raising a little._

_“I was serious when I said that, that song was meant for you… But I couldn’t blame you if you wanted to leave me after I say this or even forget me and everything.”_ _Then Joe looked down as he sighed. “I… I want you, Ben.” He moved his eyes back to him and those words were enough for Ben to reach for his face and take those lips he’d been longing to take for so long._

* * *

And now he wanted to have a taste of it again, to have him back in his life again and to never leave.

But that sounded ridiculous. He had to move on.

He went to open the freezer to grab whatever booze available but he found it empty. He turned and saw several empty bottles on the sink and on the floor. He huffed and went back to the sitting room and found Gwilym and the others playing something as they all laughed and cheered.

“JOE!!!” somebody shouted among the group.

Ben’s eyes instantly turned to the said man who was shaking his head while smiling. 

“Truth or Dare?” Gwilym asked.

_They’re still playing that classic truth or dare?_

“GWIL!” Ben called out using his full voice as he stepped into the light but his steps were uneven. And they all turned to him. “Gimme some more booze!” He raised an empty bottle.

“Come join us!” Rami said beaming. Ben only shook his head.

“Just want some booze.” He turned to Joe , drunkenly, then he stopped. “Alright. Then he stepped a little closer to their circle. “Joseph… Truth or dare?”

“Ben… you’re drunk.” Joe said.

“I don’t care. ‘m asking you. Truth’r dare?”

Everyone became silent.

“Ben—”

“Just answer me! Truth or dare?!” Ben’s voice became a little louder.

Joe sighed. “ Okay… truth.”

Ben stared at him for a moment. “Do you still love me, Joe?”

Joe’s mouth parted then he closed them. It became so quiet that even the low music being played seemed to fade along the deafening silence.

But it’s killing Ben that the question was hard for Joe to answer when it’s easy for him, because yes, he still loved the man.

“Answer me, Joe,” he said with his voice so low it almost cracked. He gulped down. “Okay, am I hard to love?”

“Let’s not talk about this here—”

“Just answer me, Joseph. Yes or no?”

“You’re drunk.”

Ben scoffed and waved his arms in the air briefly. His eyes were starting to glisten. The fact that Joe couldn’t even say the truth was hurting him so much. It’s almost like there’s some knife slowly digging in his chest. But what’s the point of knowing the truth even? 

He took a deep breath and he turned around and started to leave.

“No, you’re not hard to love, Ben because I still love you.”

* * *

Ben felt something wet being splashed onto his face. He groaned as he blinked his eyes open but brightness hit his eyes. “Ugh!!! Turn the light off!” He mumbled so weakly.

“What? Sleeping beauty?” He heard Gwilym laughed.

“I said… turn the light off,” he faintly said. He couldn’t move a limb. Everything just felt cold and he curled himself into the blanket even more. But he felt his skin hot to the touch and his breathing quite uneven.

“Get up sleepyhead! Do you know what time it is?” Gwil continued nagging. And Ben wasn’t having any of it. He just didn’t feel like getting up or moving a bit. That’s how knackered he was. 

“It’s two o’clock in the bloody afternoon, Ben!” Gwilym said a bit louder in his ear.

Ben just moaned weakly “Piss off!” And he just covered his face under the blanket covering his whole body completely.

But his bastard friend wouldn’t stop and he pulled the blanket off his body and Ben instantly curled his body like an animal that was forced out of its shell. And his body was shaking and his breathing getting more uneven.

He felt a hand touched his forehead and he flinched by its coldness.

“Bloody hell you’re burning,” Gwilym said and he finally put the blanket back on him and Ben heard the tall man’s footsteps fade away. 

He couldn’t find the will to open his eyes. Then Joe and what he said about last night that he still love him replayed in his head. Was he dreaming? Or did it really happen?

“Joe?” He tried calling out but his voice just above a whisper.

And he tried again. “Joe?”

He had to see him. He had to ask him. Then he attempted to move but he fell from wherever he was lying on. Opening his eyes was even a real struggle.

“Oh goodness, Ben!” He heard Gwilym exclaimed and he rushed towards him and helped him get back on the couch. 

_What happened? How did he end up lying on the couch?_

“Where’s Joe?” Ben mumbled as he lay back down with Gwilym’s help. He hated being so weak. 

“He already left, Ben.”

_No! Why does he have to leave him again? He still loves him, right?_

“No. He… He said he still loves me.” Ben tried to push Gwilym away to stand. But his friend was forcing him to lie back down.

“Maybe, Ben. But you have to take a rest for now. You had it pretty bad, mate. Do you know what happened?”

“Purple Rain.” Ben had given up pushing himself to stand and just surrendered his body on the couch wrapped up in a blanket.

“What?” Gwilym leaned his ear closer to Ben’s pale lips.

“You played Purple Rain… it’s our song. So I-I went to look...for Joe. And then I saw him…”

Gwilym sighed, “Ben, take a rest. You need it.”

“I… I asked him— No. You.. I saw you all playing… truth or dare…” 

“No, we didn’t. You’re sick, Ben.”

“You’re lying…” Ben furrowed his brows. “I… It was his turn and … you asked me to join… and then I asked him… I asked Joe, truth or dare.”

He heard Gwil scoff or laugh, he wasn’t sure.

“What’s funny?”

“You’re drunk last night, Ben. You’re making up stories. We were dancing and singing along some songs and then Joe suddenly left when Purple Rain was being played. At first I didn’t know why so I just ignored it and now you just said that it was your song and that explains why.”

“So it’s all just a dream?” Ben muttered to himself.

“Maybe.”

Ben just curled and wrapped himself inside the blanket like a cocoon, and the energy that’s left in him had completely gone.

“Leave.” He said to Gwilym. He just wanted to be alone. Maybe there was no way that Joe would love him back again.

“Okay, I will but let’s get you cleaned up first.”

“I want Joe,” Ben mumbled weakly.

* * *

“How’s he?” Ben heard low voices. Then he felt something soft but cold touched his forehead, making him shiver a little. His body just felt so hot and sensitive to any touch.

“He’s hot!” Someone said whose voice he knew so well.

“He needs you. He wouldn’t do anything unless it’s you.”

Ben couldn’t find the will to open his eyes but he felt movements around him. It’s making him anxious and he could sense a presence close to him like it’s watching him. Then he felt that same cold hand started caressing his face but it felt familiar.

“What happened?” It said. And like an instinct Ben moaned.

“Joe?” He said so weakly.

“I think he’s lovesick, mate.” He heard Gwilym.

“Joe?” Ben weakly called out again. And he tried to raise his head and open his eyes.

“Sssh. It’s me, Ben.” His Joe said and then he leaned against his touch that brought him home.

Ben felt so afraid to open his eyes and realize that this was all just a dream.

“Don’t leave me, please.” Ben touched Joe’s hand that’s on his cheek.

“I won’t.”

“Promise me.”

Then silence. He doesn’t like the sound of it. So he opened his eyes. And he could feel every limb of his body ached by the sight of those hazel eyes staring back at him.

“Promise me.” He said.

Joe pursed his lips and nodded, his eyes glistening. “... I promise.”

“Are you crying?” Ben looked worried and he raised his still throbbing head at once.

Joe turned his head away for a bit. “No.” Then he looked back at him with a gentle smile. “So let’s get you cleaned up?” 

Ben nodded his head.

* * *

In just two days, Ben felt a lot better. His temperature might still go up and down but he’s a lot better after not being able to move and get up in those two days. Joe brought him back home later that same day he got sick and he stayed with him. He cooked for him, cleaned him up, fed him and slept beside him. He would check Ben every night to check his temperature and to give him medicine. Joe took care of him dearly, so who wouldn’t recover that fast if you’re taken cared of so much. He could wish to be sick for forever if it only meant having Joe by his side and making him feel like he loved him still.

“Why are you doing this?” Ben asked as Joe was feeding him dinner. 

The latter insisted that he could take care of himself now as he’s a lot better but Joe, like the old times they were together, was still stubborn not to leave him because he wasn’t fully recovered yet. So Ben, as much as he’s pleased, let his ‘ex’ took care of him. But of course the idea that these could all mean nothing to Joe was only giving meaningless hope to the blond and it hurt him so much. 

Thankfully, he learned the art of pretending that everything’s fine. But he couldn’t always live pretending, so he had to know if he and Joe was on the same page right now or he’s just being a hopelessly-in-love man hoping for nothing.

“Of course, you’re sick,” Joe stated the obvious.

“Would you care about Gwilym like this?” Ben stared into his eyes. But those eyes wouldn’t look back to him. Ben wasn’t sure if he’s avoiding the question or if he’s thinking about it. 

Joe put an ample amount of food in the spoon and held it towards Ben for him to take and he sighed. “Does it matter?”

“Of course, it _does_ matter to me, Joe.” His voice rose a bit. He held his breath and said, “I LOVE YOU!” The greens of his irises glistened. Then he looked away as he tried to stop his tears from falling down as the hurtful feelings from the past resurface again. Then he sighed deeply. And what’s funny, history just literally repeat itself as they’re back at their break up scene again months ago here in the same room, on his bed.

“Goodness why does it have to happen here of all places.” Ben muttered, out of frustration. Then he bopped his head slowly as he slightly furrowed his brows. “But yeah, I still love you. Still do… And I’m still hoping... all this time that... you still feel the same way for me too.” Ben said between pauses. It took a lot for him to finally say it. To let Joe know how he felt for him still.

He was afraid to look back to Joe as he waited for him to say something but all he heard was the clanging of the spoon against the plate as Joe put the spoon down.

Ben sighed. Why did he even bother? _It’s so obvious Ben, Joe doesn’t love you anymore. You’re practically a friend to him and nothing more._

“Okay, forget that I even said anything.” Ben mumbled but he still refused to look at Joe. He held his blanket and was about to lie down and wrapped himself up.

“I love you too, Ben.” The ginger said so quietly, the blond wasn’t sure if he heard the words right.

Ben quickly turned his head to Joe, holding his breath.

“But...” Joe continued and all the anticipation growing left Ben hearing that very doubtful word.

“But what?”

“You won’t understand even if I tell you.”

“Then make me understand.” Ben turned to look at Joe this time, his eyes pleading.

It was silent for a moment, every move that Joe made was careful, from placing the tray of Ben’s food on the bedside table to sitting beside Ben on the bed. Joe’s weight beside him gave Ben both warmth and coldness because even though his presence exuded home, familiarity and safety towards him, it still didn’t change the fact that what they had was long gone which only made things all the more difficult for him. 

“What we had was perfect. I will always treasure it.” Joe turned to him, looking at him. “And that’s that. I don’t wanna ruin that beautiful thing we had. Nothing is permanent here, Ben.”

“That’s bollocks! What is that? An excuse?”

“I thought we had talked about this, several months ago. And you understood.”

“No! I thought I did understand. But thinking and thinking of it again and again. Joe, okay I understand that your father’s death had been difficult for you but that’s not enough reason for you to think that pushing people you love will do you good. It doesn’t…” Ben sighed, closing his eyes. Then he looked back to Joe who was looking down at his fiddling fingers. And Ben knew so well what that means. He’s right and Joe was wrong. But that’s not the point of any of this. He just wanted to finish these all off with a happy ending, shut his demons and comfort him. “Tell me, are you happy, Joe?”

Joe glanced back to Ben. His lips parted then not long after he closed them. Then he quietly said, “I’m fine.”

_That’s not an answer._

“Were you happy with me?” Ben asked.

Joe was silent and Ben waited but the ginger continued fiddling his fingers.

“I was. And it could never be replaced. But you have to understand, Ben. My father’s death is still hurting me. And I thought being with someone I could get affectionate with would fill in that part that got lost when father died. And I realized that it doesn’t. I feel like I’m only using your affection to distract myself, to keep me from destroying myself. But it could only end up me destroying that person, because I still got to find that piece that left me.”

His hazel eyes locked into his green irises. Ben could feel his heart sinking and he couldn’t move an inch. His hands balled into fists and he bit his lip. ‘ _What? Do you think you’re not destroying me already?!’_ Ben wanted to shout but none of them spoke up for like forever. Then his hands started to feel his body for some cigarettes, even though he knew that there was none. He just needed something to calm him down. Joe was clearly conflicted and afraid but he couldn’t just allow things to end like this. 

“But did you really love me, Joe?” He choked, and silent tears uncontrollably rolled down his face.

“I do, Ben. I love you.” Joe reached for his face and wiped his tears with his hand.

“Then let’s try again, Joe. Start over…” He searched for the ginger’s eyes. But the man only glanced down at his lap. And Ben went to rest one of his hands on Joe’s lap. “Look, Joe. I will never leave you, you know that! Because if I do I had done it already, but my heart,” He exhaled a mouthful of air as he struggled to speak, “...always goes back to you. I was never ready to see you but I don’t wanna lie and fool myself anymore. I keep telling myself that I don’t want you in my life anymore but I end up constantly thinking about you!” His voice cracked and he heaved another deep breath. He looked down Joe’s hands and how badly he wanted to take them in his.

_Just accept me back, please._

Yet there was another silence.

_Please say anything, Joe. Your silence is killing me._

A sigh escaped the ginger’s lips. “Let me take care of you for now until you recover. And… maybe you only think you want me back again.” 

“No, Joe. I _know_ it.” Ben emphasised the word.

“Ben—”

“Okay, give me one good reason why I shouldn’t have you back anymore?”

“Because I’m not ready.”

“That’s …” Ben sighed exasperatedly. “Can I ask you a favor though?”

Joe closed his eyes as he slowly nodded. Then he looked at him. “...What is it?”

“Please don’t move on from me yet.”

* * *

The past few days, Ben let Joe stay and tend him but everything was done in silence. All they gave each other were stares and sometimes they even avoided it. And the blond felt dreadful as the ginger left him again after he got completely well, physically, but his heart wasn’t. Could he ask Joe to stay until his heart became better too? 

If Joe wasn’t ready to have him back in his life then he’s willing to wait. 

But was it the right thing to do. He ran to Allen’s aid and his friend’s words re-sounded in his head. “If someone wants you back they will come back so you don’t have to do any waiting. Just live your life!”

And he was right. So Ben tried to live it but what if your life was that person who seemed to not want to go back to you anymore? 


	2. Empty Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So that’s what it’s all about! He knew it! Joe tried to push him away off his life because he’s probably seeing someone new. He should’ve just told him instead of lying and making excuses. He’s not a fool!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is another chapter! I'm really sorry for the confusion, for thinking this is only a one-chapter fic. *peace* as I'm still a little naive how this site works. hehe. Anyway hope you guys like this one too!

* * *

_“I've been drinking_

_I've been doin' things I shouldn't do_

_Overthinkin'_

_I don't know who I am without you”_

* * *

It had been a complete struggle for Ben to do his everyday chores with Joe lingering in his mind in every bloody thing he did, he thought he was going to end up in an asylum soon. He faked a smile in front of the camera and people. He focused on studying his script and doing his role, made new acquaintances. Attended every fashion week in Europe and America and met new faces. He partied with his other friends, went clubbing but at the end of the day, Joe would go back in his mind. 

Christmas and winter came and Ben lived with the coldness of that season instead of living in its true meaning of warmth, giving and kindness the holiday brought. The only gift he had given to himself was to move to an apartment, a beautiful yet pricey one. He didn’t know if he could stay any longer in his house as it only carried beautiful and bitter memories with Joe. So he had kept the stuff, pictures of him and Joe in a box and buried it in his backyard before he had moved to his new apartment, and he also had deleted the latter’s number while still got every digit memorized more than his own.

But maybe one day, he’d go back there.

A thought of making the man jealous and do some one night stands, flings had crossed Ben’s mind and making sure Joe would know, but he gave that thought up. It’s a very childish thing to do. 

When he thought their break up wouldn’t get any worse, he was wrong. He’s only good at faking he’s doing better, when inside he knows his heart was starting to rot and ready to close its doors on loving again. Season of Love came and of course, love was literally in the air but not for Ben. If anything, he despised it a little. And every time he saw some happy couples he just wanted to shout at them to piss off and tell them that they wouldn’t last forever.

God! How much longer does he have to live in misery? He kept smoking but more frequently than before. He almost got tempted to overdose himself or take drugs if that would help him take this hurt and emptiness off his chest. However, his continued hope that Joe would go knocking back in his life had saved him from doing any of those horrible things, because he knew Joe wouldn’t be happy if he learned about it. Well, him chain smoking wouldn’t make the ginger happy too but it’s the only thing that kept his sanity.

Sometimes waking up and facing the world was a struggle but sometimes it’s what he needed, especially work, work, money and work to distract him. It’s been three months and he hasn’t heard from Joe since. But Ben had successfully kept himself from asking about the man to his friends. He occasionally hangs out with Gwil and Allen too but he made sure Joe wouldn’t be with them. He had drunkenly kissed a stranger but soon he tasted the lips of his ‘ex’ so he tried avoiding human contact since then. He was slowly building up invisible walls to cage himself so the world couldn’t harm him again. 

But life surely loved knocking you down after you start building yourself up. He just came out from the shower when his phone rang a notification; he walked over his bed to where his phone was and saw one of his friends sent a picture message and opened it. Upon seeing the photo he almost threw his phone away. It was a picture of Joe with some guy, a handsome guy even. And above it was a message from his friend saying: _Look who I found! You have to move on, bud!_

His hand held the phone so tight it might crash. Then he just threw it on his bed and stomped his way into the dressing room. 

_So that’s what it’s all about!_ He knew it! Joe tried to push him away off his life because he’s probably seeing someone new. He should’ve just told him instead of lying and making excuses. He’s not a fool!

He tried to push the image away from his mind, a smiling Joe walking beside a happy looking guy along the sidewalk. Or maybe they’re just friends. _‘They’re not holding each other’s hands, right? So, it might be nothing. Yeah, they’re probably just friends.’_ But they started out being very good friends as well. _Damn it!_

And how much he tried not to get affected by it his mood was nothing but terrible that day. He almost lashed out at his manager, shut his car door harder than he intended and tried to keep his nerves down and put on his most fake smile and acted like he got everything under control in front of the camera, but in between takes he would let out a huff or scoff and would cut the photographer mid-sentence as the photographer explained to him what pose he wanted for him to do, as Ben fully understood what he meant. But the management called him out for his attitude so he apologized and said, “I’m just not having any of this right now.” Then he walked away, drove back to his apartment and locked himself up in his room. 

He spent half of his day lying down his bed as he emptied a box of cigarettes and now having another half of it. Then he finally pushed his body up to stand just to take out a bottle of champagne and drank its contents down his throat, drowning himself.

* * *

Hangover wouldn’t treat Ben nicely the next day. And he was even signing a new contract about another brand he’d be a model for. Even indoors he had his sunglasses on. 

“Ben, please take good care of yourself. Look at you. Fix your attitude.” His manager, Mr Hollander said as they were having their lunch at some common restaurant in town.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m trying, alright?” Then his phone made a ‘ding’ sound. He took it and it’s a text from Gwilym inviting him to some night out with some friends at some popular club.

Ben typed a quick reply.

**Ben**

_Sorry, mate. I’m busy._

He lied. He just didn’t feel like going anywhere. He just wanna be locked up in his room and away from this depressing world.

He was about to put his phone back in his pocket when another text came. 

**Gwilym**

_Joe’s not with us._

Ben sighed sharply. He licked his lips. Then he replied with heavy fingers tapping each key.

**Ben**

_Sorry, mate. Still busy._

Why does that giant have to mention Joe like having that man join them would be the reason why he couldn’t join them?

But Gwilym’s right. If Joe happened to be with them, which he doubted as the man’s in America right now and probably with his boyfriend, he would surely say no faster than a bullet. He huffed; his mood just went crashing down and terrible just remembering that picture.

So he just decided to drive around town since he doesn’t have anything to do anyway, rather, too pissed to do anything. And he spent the entire afternoon just driving in circles and trying to fight the dizziness that still lingered. 

And the thought of going back to his apartment was terrifying him. This was something new. He just didn’t trust himself enough, because he might do something reckless instead. Maybe he should’ve just accepted Gwilym’s invitation. Then he dialled the man’s number. After two rings, his friend answered.

“So… my other appointment got cancelled. Where you at?”

* * *

_“Love to see you shine in the night like the diamond you are_

_I'm on the other side, it's alright, just hold me in the dark”_

* * *

Clubbing wasn’t really Ben’s thing but he enjoyed it nonetheless, especially, he only does clubbing with his closest friends. But right now he only faked enjoying it. The reason he only agreed to come because he wanted the thrill and get himself be drowned by liquors and the blasting music and the overwhelming feeling it brought being sandwiched by the dancing and loud drunk crowds. The flashing neon lights played in front of him and could see its lights dancing even with his eyes closed.

“Whooooo!!!!” Ben shouted among the noisy crowds and he started jumping with one of his arms raised, and with a liquor bottle in hand, as a form of dancing. The loud pop music reverberated through his whole body. And the beat went faster and faster and faster bringing him into another world he didn’t know existed and he let himself get lost with it. When a pair of arms wrapped itself around his neck, and a pair of soft and slightly wet texture met his lips. His hands with its own accord held the stranger’s slim waist and kissed them back, not caring whoever that was.The stranger tasted alcohol mixed with smoke. Their kisses deepened, with mouths opened and tongues colliding as he drowned out his thoughts of that certain beautiful ginger-haired man. He’s the reason why he’s being like this. YES! He’s blaming that man with his misery! Why does he have to love a person so deeply? Then a strong hand pulled him off the stranger and out the crowds. It was pretty dark and he’s pretty dizzy that he couldn’t make out who was dragging him so aggressively. Then as soon as they were away from the bustling crowds, Ben pulled his hands away from the man’s grasp.

“Let go off me, prick!” He said a little louder and irritated.

“You’re welcome, idiot!” The man stepped out of the little ray of blue neon light illuminating in that little corner.

“Joe?” escaped Ben’s lips at once. 

The man crossed his arms.

“What? What are you doing here?” Ben furrowed his brows. He’s feet dragged him slightly backwards. And his head spinning a bit.

“What? Do you think you’re the only one Gwil invited? And you’re drunk!”

Ben scoffed and started to walk away. “Why do you care?”

Every step he took was heavy as he searched to where his friends were. He didn’t know and didn’t expect to see Joe here. _When did he come to England?_ And the audacity of Gwilym to say that Joe wouldn’t be joining them. So as soon as he saw Gwilym from afar, he hurried towards him. “So much for telling me that Joe wouldn’t be joining us!” He said, frowning. But the taller man only raised his hands in surrender. So he just sighed sharply and slacked down beside him.

“I heard you,” Joe said who was walking behind him. Then he settled beside Allen. 

Ben looked at him blankly and rolled his eyes as he stole Gwil’s shot glass and drank its contents down. 

_Where’s your boyfriend?_ Ben wanted to ask.

“How’s kissing that lady, Ben?” Allen shouted among the loud music.

Ben looked at Allen and raised a brow, questioningly. _What lady?_ Oh, the one he was snogging before Joe pulled him out. His green eyes moved back to Joe and caught him avoiding his stare. He wondered if he’s jealous.

“ ‘twas nice!” He said while still staring at Joe. “Then _this guy_ appeared.” He held out his hand towards the ginger.

“So you’re into girls now eh, Ben?” Joe snapped.

“So?”

Joe’s lips fell into a thin line then his brows dangerously meet at the center. He huffed and at once pulled a bottle of vodka from the bucket, opened it and chugged its contents down his throat. Ben rolled his eyes and also did the same.

None of them spoke up and just went to drink vodka after vodka, ordering bucket after bucket. While Allen and Gwilym tried to casually chat and laugh if necessary while drinking with them. But empty bottles of vodka were starting to fill their table that they had to ask the waiter to clean it for them.

“Care for a dance, Gwil?” Allen asked, his stance standing up.

Gwilym nodded and stood up.

“Heyyy!” Ben held Gwilym’s arms. 

“Where ya guys going?” Joe asked, his face a shade of pink.

“Dance?” Allen said.

Then the two drunken ex-lovers stood at the same time to join the two but they stopped, turning to each other as they saw the other standing up.

“You stay here!” Ben pointed a finger at Joe.

“No! You stay here for all I care! Come on Allen, Gwil!” Then Joe walked off to the dance floor.

Ben huffed so hard. He didn’t know but his blood was boiling. How dare he tell him what to do and walk off like that? If ever, this would be his first fight with his ex. Then he walked past Gwil and Allen, pushing them a little aside as he went after Joe. 

Gwil and Allen exchanged looks and just shook their heads and decided to just sit back down, since the two idiots had finally left them. 

“I told you this is a bad idea!” Allen said and Gwilym just shrugged and just took a bottle of liquor to drink his stress down.

* * *

Not caring of the people bumping and pushing against him, the blond continued walking after the ginger who forced himself into the crowds and started dancing along the pulsating beat with an infectious rhythm of a popular music. Ben watched him and he didn’t know if his heart was erratically beating in his chest right now as he saw Joe started to sway those hips and swung those arms along the beat, those moves that never failed to turn him on. Or maybe it’s only the vibration coming out from the speakers that pulsated through his body. 

Why was he even standing here? Why was he running after the man he doesn’t have a chance to have anymore? Even in his drunken state he could still think clearly, but his body was saying yes and his mind was saying no. But here he was, like steel being pulled helplessly by the magnet, his feet started walking towards the person his heart was unable to let go of; his kryptonite. But this hero wanted to stay close to the source of his weakness because that weakness turned out to be his true strength. Or maybe he’s just really a total fool. _This wasn’t a fairy tale with some kind of happy endings, Ben. Wake up!_

His feet stopped on its tracks and he turned around at once, but a hand spun him around and in just a blink he’s face to face with his kryptonite, making him weak instantly, sucking all the air from his lungs by their dangerous proximity. Their lips were mere inches away and he could feel the ginger’s warm breath that tasted liquor against his mouth. 

Their eyes played along each other’s faces as if to trace every part and connecting the invisible dots that ended at each other’s lips.

The sound of their beating hearts beat through the music like a drum. 

None of them moved, but the warm feeling of their breaths sent feathery touches against their parted lips, teasing them. 

Should one make a move?

“Dance with me,” Joe whispered against his lips and leaned away as he started swaying his body again. But this time, in front of Ben. 

“You know that I don’t dance,” the blond tried to protest but the way the ginger stared at him as he danced was beckoning him to move closer. And in a second, the blond found himself swaying his hips gently and he could feel the thrill crawling up his bones and so he let his body speak for him. Not minding if he’s making the right moves his body moved along the music like nobody’s watching. And as he opened his eyes he saw the world changed around him seeing that smile from Joe as he watched him.

“See? You’re dancing!” Joe giggled and even with the loud music Ben heard that giggle so clear and it was the most beautiful music he heard tonight. He bit his lip and teased his hips towards Joe. He saw how those hazels lit up by that simple move so he went on and on grinding those hips in front of Joe. And in one swift movement he was pulled by the waist hard, closing the dangerous gap between him and Joe. Their lips engaging in an arousal war. 

Ben could feel his heart pulsating higher and higher if that was even possible as he felt the ginger’s tongue tickled his lips so he opened his mouth and let it in. The taste of vodka lingered as they kissed but he found himself addicted and craved of it more. So he devoured the other’s lips fully in his mouth, grabbing his ginger locks, pulling him even closer as he couldn’t get enough and it caused him wanting more and more of him.

Then their hands desperately searched each other’s bodies, not caring if they were in the middle of the dancing crowd. The heat of Joe’s hands crawling into his flaming body sent electrifying shivers causing a deep moan to escape from his thirsty lips. And like something had kicked him in the gut, his eyes shot open. _What the hell was he doing?_ Then he pushed Joe away. 

“This is wrong.” He said breathlessly, his chest heaved as he tried to control his breathing. Then he hurriedly walked out of the club.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that concludes this chapter! Comments are highly appreciated. ;)


	3. Never Really Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe this wasn’t about Joe anymore, maybe this was about him. Maybe he just had to find himself again. He’s been living in misery and had been doing a good job at it, but he’s forgetting to take care of himself, to focus on what he really needed. He had been trying to bring back the thing that had ended long ago. Holding onto that beautiful past, that wonderful memory and hoping for a promising future, that was Joe. Because what if there really was no future in store for them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is the final chapter! Hope you love this chapter as well! <333

* * *

_“Thought we kissed goodbye_

_Thought we meant this time was the last_

_But I guess it's never really over”_

* * *

The loud ringing of his phone woke him up. His hands clumsily feel for the device and pulled it out from the pocket of his jeans and saw his manager’s caller ID. He lazily swung the phone onto his ears and waited for his manager to speak.

“Ben! For goodness sake, I’ve been trying to reach you, where are you?”

“Ermmm..” Ben moved his head sideways trying to picture where he was. 

He was in his car with its door slightly ajar. Then he peeked out the window and he saw few number of parked cars around him, but before he could utter another word Mr. Hollander spoke up again.

“Did you forget? We’re to fly to Milan right now! I’ll give you three hours.” Then he hung up. Ben winced and sighed, closing his car door carefully and started the engine. Then he drove back to his apartment. 

He forced himself to move and start packing up as soon as he got back into his place. His headache was killing him. Then he found streaks of, maybe, his own vomit on his shirt. “Great!” He groaned and took his shirt off and went into the bathroom.

He tried to remember what happened last night and then few flashes of Joe’s face and his lips came into his mind. He closed his eyes shut, feeling more disappointed with himself.

_Goodness! Wrong move, Ben! Wrong move!_

He turned the shower a little stronger and let its splashing sound, as the water poured down from his body to the floor, filled his ears.

After he showered and dressed up, he saw a few number of missed calls and messages from Gwil and Allen asking him where he was. He ignored and turned his phone off and made his way to the airport, where his manager was awaiting him.

* * *

The time they got to Milan they went straight to the venue where the fashion week would take place. There were already a number of people dressed fashionably and Ben got in his own dressing area where he was groomed. He went to take some meds to somehow ease his throbbing head. 

He tried to mingle and checked some beautiful people out but nothing had caught his interest. Then he ended up smoking for a bit before the show started. He’s just praying for this day to end.

By the evening, he finally got to go to the hotel he’d stay in for a week and finally be alone. His room was spacious enough with one full-size bed in the center, and a flat screen telly by the foot of the bed, glued on the wall. And floor to ceiling windows with cream-coloured drapes. It looked homely and Ben didn’t pay any mind to cleaning himself up and he just jumped into the bed and slept.

So the next three days, Ben was doing things in a routine. From waking up, he dressed up, drove, got groomed and watched the runway, posed for the camera, chatted, partied, got drunk and smoked, drove back to the hotel, smoked a little, watched the telly, slept and repeat. 

And he didn’t know if he could live another day doing the same routine. Well, it was great meeting popular fashion designers and seeing what they created, and to meet some popular models and celebrities as well. But he just didn’t have the energy to be here like how he used to before. It almost felt like he’s just floating along, that he’s only doing this because this was what he’s supposed to do. 

He loved fashion, he loved modelling, and well, he learned to love it when he realized that he had the skill of posing in front of the camera. Maybe this wasn’t about Joe anymore, maybe this was about him. Maybe he just have to find himself again. He’s been living in misery and had been doing a good job at it, but he’s forgetting to take care of himself, to focus on what he really needed. All he did was to try to bring back the thing that had ended long ago. Holding onto that beautiful past, that wonderful memory and hoping for a promising future, that was Joe. But what if there really was no future in store for them?

Joe had clearly moved on from him. Heck, he’s probably building a new future with some new guy! _Wake up, Ben! Wake up!_

Ben had to slap himself a couple of times.

“You alright, dude?” Some of the models spoke up. He found himself in the middle of a party where there was a presentation of the new collections around that were worn by models acting as mannequins. A loud pop music was also being played, and everyone was holding wine glasses and some shot glasses while chatting. And some were relentlessly walking here and there like they’re afraid to miss anything out. While some kept taking pictures through their camera phones or DSLRs. 

The place was just too chaotic for Ben. And it only reminded him of the night he made out with Joe before he flew to Milan. As the anxiety was slowly crippling in, he left and went for a walk instead, basking in the quite busy street of the place. He could see the cathedral from afar and he suddenly remembered how he dreamt and even included in his plans to ask Joe’s hand in marriage.

_Ugh, shut it, Ben!_

As he was nearing his hotel he went to sit on the bench at the back of the hotel, and took a drag. He decided to phone Gwil but his phone’s busy. He sighed and just gazed at the stars above.

_Are shooting stars real though?_

He remembered when he was still a kid, his grandma would tell him about shooting stars and how they make your wishes come true and that was how she met his grandpa. Funny, right? He believed it at first and wished for toys and it did come true only because he had pointed those toys when he was out with his parents and they bought those for him. Then one day, his grandma had a terrible sickness so he went and wished upon the shooting star for his _nana_ to be well. He waited every night just to chance at least one shooting star; it took him almost two weeks. But soon his grandma who he loved so much left, and since then he never believed in shooting stars and wishing wells or whatever senseless stuff people believed in.

And now, he’s thinking about shooting stars and was even anticipating seeing one. He chuckled to himself. 

But what if he sees one tonight, what would he wish for?

He closed his eyes and let the first thing that would come into his mind be the one he’s going to wish for if by any chance a shooting star came by tonight.

And his mind said…

_Joe._

He opened his eyes and grimaced at once as he threw the almost depleted cigarette to the ground. _Ugh! Fuck it! Not him!_

“Oh, are you provoking me, Gwilym?”

Ben’s ears perked up by the mention of his friend’s name. The person was laughing and he seemed like talking through a phone? It might be another person sharing the same name with his friend but he found himself listening more. He heard the man’s footsteps echoing from the solid ground, getting closer.

“Okay, okay… Thanks, man. See you soon. Bye.”

_Shit!_ How could he not— was that… It couldn’t be… But he knew that voice too well. He felt his body feeling cold. He stood slowly and quietly walked, more like tiptoeing towards the corner from where he heard the voice.

Then as he saw a glimpse of the face of the man who was getting near the corner, his eyes grew wide and he at once hurried and ducked down behind a huge bin near where he was seated. 

_What was his bloody ex doing here in Milan?_

His heart was drumming so so wild. No shooting star had crossed the sky right? And he hadn’t made a single wish yet if it ever did. 

He peeked a little from where he was hiding and he saw Joe stopped in front of the bench he sat on earlier as he stepped on something. Ben tried to calm his breathing as he watched him picked up the cigarette butt he just threw, and then he started walking towards his direction.

_Oh, shoot!_ Ben lowered his body even more and he could feel the sweat dripping down his temples. The beating of his heart was so loud, he felt worried that his ex might hear it among the stillness of the surroundings.

“Who would be stupid enough to throw their cigarette butt out here, didn’t they see the trash? ... Damn!” Ben could imagine his ‘ex’ shaking his head and making _that_ face. He moved his eyes up and saw him threw his trash into the bin.

Did he just call him stupid?

He at once stepped out from where he was hiding as soon as his ex finally walked away. He’s all filthy and dirty. He cringed at himself and he was even wearing a very expensive dress coat which was probably more valuable than his life. _Great!_ Mr. Hollander would be very delighted if he learned about this. But he doesn’t care, he needed to know what his ‘ex’ was doing here and why and who he was with. So he trailed where Joe had walked and as he reached the corner, the man was nowhere to be seen. And he just ended up going back into his hotel room.

That night, he kept thinking about Joe again. Completely forgetting about his thoughts earlier of moving on, choosing what he deserved and need, to take care of himself again, getting rid of his past with his ex and such things. But instead, he made up scenarios of what might have been if he didn’t stop himself from taking Joe that night at the club.

It seemed like it was going to be a long night.

* * *

Ben went to the venue with sunglasses on the next day as his bags were just all over his eyes. It was a different venue but much closer to the hotel he’s staying at.

“Where have you been last night again, young man?” Mr Hollander greeted him as soon as he stepped inside the dressing room.

“Good morning, Tom,” Ben handed the dress coat he had worn last night to one of the staff inside. Then he sat facing the mirror.

“Have you locked yourself up in your room and got drunk again last night?”

“No, Tom. Just tell me what I have to do.”

“You’re about to walk on the runway today. So I have to make sure you’re feeling fine and wouldn’t ruin the show.”

Ben just sighed. His stylist finally came and he had to remove his sunglasses.

“Benjamin! Look at you!” Mr Hollander threw one of his hands on his forehead and came to rub them as he saw the dark circles under Ben’s eyes. “I think I’m the one who’s having a headache right now. A terrible one.” Then he walked away to get some medicine.

Ben just scoffed and looked at his stylist through the mirror. “You know what to do, right?”

His stylist said yes with a little nod and started to do his thing.

“Tom has too little faith… so little.” Ben clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes.

* * *

His hands were as cold as ice and his breathings were a little erratic. He’s wearing one of the new collections of a known brand (of course) and was in queue along with the models who would walk the runway any minute.

_You got this, you got this! You’ve done this before._

Then the host started to say his greetings, and the audiences clapped their hands and cheered as the show finally began after the long wait, and it’s funny how each day seemed to be something new when they’ve been doing the same thing for three days in a row. Ben took one last breath before taking a step towards the runway. However, he couldn’t feel his legs moving and his feet marching as he put on a straight face. The flashing lights of the cameras and deafening shouts from the audience faded out of his senses and all he could feel was the shaking of his body and this strange coldness, making his body numb. And one of the basic rules when walking the runway was to put on that facade like a mannequin at all times, to wear no expression, and so he did but his eyes, in its own accord, made a quick glance among the audience and it spotted… Joe? 

_Was that Joe?_

But it was all too fast and he didn’t get the chance to look at the face again. He almost made a head-turn and thankfully he didn’t or else … he’s gonna be like a dead pig once his manager learned of it.

As soon as he met the backstage, he let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

“You did so great!” Mr. Hollander suddenly appeared in front of him, beaming. And that’s a good sign to see Tom smiling, as it only means that he did a good job indeed despite feeling like he’s gonna pass out anytime back there. 

“I saw him.” 

“Who?” His manager raised a brow.

“J-Joseph.”

“The Mozzarella guy?”

“Please don’t call him that.”

“You call him sweet like he’s some kind of cheese,” His manager quoted some lyrics of one of the songs of the popular band Queen, changing the phrases ‘me’ and ‘I’m’ to ‘he’ and ‘him’. And the blond had to roll his eyes.

“Since when did you learn to say such terrible things?”

“Maybe you’ve just mistaken someone as him.”

“No, I’m sure it’s him. And I saw him last night too.”

“Where?”

“Outside the hotel I’m staying.”

“Oh,” Mr Hollander placed a hand on his hip. “Did he see you too?”

“No. I… I went to hide.” Ben sheepishly rubbed his nape. “But he’s here right now and surely, he saw me.” And something twitched in his stomach after he said that.

Mr Hollander went to peek out to the runway and scanned his eyes through the audiences but there were just too many people.

Then as his manager was about to go away, Ben held him by the shoulder just as quickly. His eyes shot a little wide. “Where are you going?”

“Go check if it’s really him.” Mr Hollander said, shrugging.

“No. No, you can’t do that! What if he sees you?”

“Don’t you trust me? I’m your manager.”

“Just no.” Ben shook his head.

* * *

As the fashion show was over, press people, journalists, media, you name it, started to gather everywhere. And Ben had to avoid them. He was thankful that his manager didn’t set him up for another interview for a magazine after two consecutive days of doing one. He mingled, rather, hid among the other guests that were having some champagne. He felt his pockets for some cig and he remembered that he left it in his car and he had been craving one. So he started to sneak out from the event when his arms hit something and his champagne had spilled and it stained some man’s suit. “Oh no, I’m sor...ry.” 

“Ben.” 

“J-Joe.” The blond had stopped his feet from walking away. “W-what are you doing here?” He did a quick scan down Joe’s dress. It’s a tan suit and slacks and he looked so good in them.

“I… watching the show,” Joe said in a little questioning tone, shrugging his shoulders. “I’m with a friend… w-who’s an editor.”

Ben hummed, nodding gently. He remembered he used to bring Joe with him on fashion events like this, where he got invited to or something that his manager had set him up for; New York, London, Paris, and here in Milan, you name it. And now his ex had someone bringing him in these kinds of events and he doubted that whoever he’s with, wasn’t even his friend. 

Then his eyes rested upon the spilled champagne on his ex’s suit. “I’m really sorry for spilling—”

“No big deal, bud.” The ginger smiled. “Unless I can just take this suit off.”

“No. Come on, follow me.” Then, Ben started to walk to the dressing room, making sure Joe was following behind. The crowds were decreasing as they’re nearing the area as everybody was at the main venue where the liquors and all the models were.

“By the way, you did well at the fashion show earlier.” Joe said. “I mean you always do. But I’m glad you still had it in you.”

“Thanks.” He just glanced at Joe as he continued walking. He suddenly regretted making Joe follow him as it looked unethical in his part that Joe’s walking with him - his ex. So he stopped and turned to the ginger. “Ermm… Does anybody, you know, doesn’t mind that you’re here with me?” 

“No.” Joe frowned as he shook his head in an unsure manner. “I don’t even know where you’re taking me.” He chuckled.

The blond’s face reddened a little. It doesn’t sound right. Ben tried to put on his facade. And continued walking.

“Here.” He stopped at the door with a sign that reads: **Dressing Room**.

“Oh.” his ex mumbled.

He twisted the knob open and knocked three times as it’s locked. _Come on, someone open up._

He knocked again but nothing. 

“I guess nobody’s inside.” 

“Yeah,” Ben sighed. 

“Hey, it’s okay. We can just stay here for a while, y’know.” 

The place almost looked deserted and the idea of being alone with Joe like this seemed a bad thing. He’s afraid he might do something stupid again.

“No. I-I need to be there. Tom will look for me.” He lied. Then his hands searched through his pockets again only to remember he got no cigarettes with him.

“Are you sure it’s Tom that’s looking for you?”

“Yeah?” Ben gulped. “I mean… why not?”

“Nothing. It’s just that… maybe there's someone.” Then Joe sighed, closing his eyes. “You don’t have to lie to me, Ben. You can straightaway tell me if there’s someone. Someone.. new.”

Ben’s mouth parted a bit. Was he hearing correctly what this man was saying? If he knew better Joe sounded like he’s jealous. He hid a smile. 

“Well, let’s say… there’s someone.” He crossed his arms and crooked his neck a little and narrowed his eyes a bit, observing Joe. He shifted his weight from one leg to another.

“Then you can just tell me straightaway!” Joe almost threw his arms into the air but he just rested his hands on his hips, shoving the ends of his suit slightly to the back. And Ben hated how he found the little gesture sexy.

“Why?”

“Ben, it’s as if we’re not over. We are.”

It hit Ben right through his heart, and he felt terrible that it’s still affecting him. He carefully inhaled and huffed. “... Yeah. Yeah, we are. I _know_ that.” Now he’s the one raising his voice a bit. He closed his eyes and breathe to calm himself down. “...But… does that give you the right to know whether I’m with someone or not? You said it, we’re over.” His voice shaking a bit. Then he looked at Joe before he turned on his heel and stomped away. He’s just mad. So mad and so hurt that little tears formed in the corners of his eyes.

“Ben! Ben!... I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it that way.” He heard Joe running after him. Then Ben stopped walking but he’s still facing his back to Joe.

“What I meant to say is, you don’t have to hide your relationship from me. You’re free to tell me anything.”

“I’m not hiding anything from you, Joe. And I’m not going to say anything to you.” Ben turned to him. “But to tell you, I’m not with anyone right now. And I’m pretty fine that way.” Then he walked away back to his car but with no Joe following behind. 

He went inside, opening the car window in the driver’s seat as he smoked. _Finally!_ But the tension he’s feeling was still high. Why does Joe have to always show up in his life again and at the wrong time? 

* * *

Ben searched through the crowds at another fashion event the next day but there’s no sign of Joe. Maybe he wouldn’t come. Why was he even looking for the man? 

It was also the last day of the fashion week so they’re going to have a big party later but he doesn’t have any will to attend, so he went back to the hotel earlier that afternoon. 

He was about to bring his keycard on the lock, when the door next to his room opened. He turned to look who it was and the keycard slipped from his grasp seeing the certain ginger appearing from the door. 

Joe turned to him and they just stared at each other longer than necessary. It was too quiet that all Ben could hear was the sound of his beating heart. Then there was this gradual and strange pull of energy growing between them that he couldn’t describe. Or maybe it’s just Ben, as he couldn’t keep his eyes from Joe. He just looked so good with his hair combed back and his face newly trimmed.

“Y-your card.” Joe finally spoke although quietly, breaking the overwhelming silence between them.

Ben almost choked. “W-what?”

“Your card,” Joe pointed something with his mouth. So Ben followed and saw his keycard on the floor.

“Oh,” he hastily picked it up.

“I… didn’t know you’re just next door.”

The blond couldn’t look back to him but settled his eyes on the doorknob. “Yeah.”

“Wow. What a small world!” Joe grinned.

Ben chuckled.

“So did you just got back from the event?”

“Yep,” Ben slowly turned his head to him. “Er… where are you going?” His eyes trailed down to what Joe was wearing. A white shirt topped with a huge black coat and denim pants and sneakers. He wondered where he was going that he’s well dressed and looking irresistible.

“For a walk. Care to join me?”

Ben’s eyes looked at his hand that’s resting on the doorknob. And later he kept his keycard back into his pocket and turned to Joe. “Sure.” Besides, he didn’t have anything to do.

Then they walked together out of the hotel and basked in the beauty of Milan and the presence of one another.

“Where’s your… friend?” Ben said as they’ve walked few distances away.

“Friend?” Joe turned to Ben.

Ben furrowed his brows a little. “You said you’re with your editor friend.”

“Oh, right. He’s… back at the party.” Joe turned away and Ben felt like something’s not right.

“What’s his name? Your friend?”

“Uhm… w-why?” Joe glanced at Ben, frowning his brows and eyes squinted quizzically.

“N-nothing. You’re well dressed and looking good.” Ben shrugged. “And you said it, we’re over so it’s safe for me to know who he is, right?”

Then he saw Joe suppressing a smile but still smiling.

“Hey, what’s funny?”

Joe shook his head as he turned his head down. “Nothing.” He licked his lips, the smile still on his lips. “So I look good?” He turned to him.

Ben glanced sideways and cleared his throat, “...Yeah.” He could feel his face burning.

Then they just walked silently. 

Why does Joe have to hide from him the fact that he’s probably with his boyfriend? Because he’s certain that whoever he’s with wasn’t just a friend.

“Okay. I… I lied.” Joe suddenly spoke up. “I’m not with a friend… or with anyone. I came here alone.” Joe continued.

Ben turned to Joe at once. “Huh?” Confusion washed over him.

The ginger glanced to him. “You heard me.” Then he sighed and looked back on the street.

“I… I mean why?” 

“I don’t know. I guess I just don’t wanna look pathetic in front of you.”

“You’re pathetic, you know that?” Ben chuckled and as soon as it died down, he sighed. “Does he even know you’re here?”

Joe’s pace slowed a bit then he turned to him. “He?” His brows knitting together.

Ben looked down to the ground and kicked a small rock on his way. He licked his lips, “... y’know— I-I don’t know? Your boyfriend?” He shrugged and turned to Joe. 

The ginger looked away and chuckled breathlessly. “I don’t have a boyfriend. Where’d you get that?”

Something twitched in Ben’s stomach. He didn’t know what to feel about it. Should he jump for joy or be mad or act like he didn’t care about it? The news was shocking him a little and he couldn't think of anything. 

“Hey, look at the sunset.” He said instead as his eyes gazed into the vast orange and blue hues painted through the skies with the sun peeking in between as if to say its farewell.

Then he felt the back of Joe’s hand brushing, oh so lightly, against his, teasing him, tempting him and causing him to lose his breath. He wasn’t sure if he was doing it on purpose. So he slightly jerked his hand away from the fleeting contact. Yet he felt Joe’s fingers slightly touching his shaking ones. He couldn’t move and was afraid to turn his head to Joe to see if he was aware, but soon their hands slowly came closer and closer and their fingers gracefully danced, colliding their palms together. None of them moved and just stood still as they relaxed in the feel of each others’ hands. 

“What’s this?” Ben quietly said but his heart was beating wildly in his chest.

“What do you think?”

“I don’t know, Joe.” Ben was about to take his hand off when Joe held it firmly. It surprised the blond. He turned to him but Joe was looking forward. His eyes seemed so far away.

“Don’t you dare let go, Ben.” He turned to him. “I didn’t move on from you. You asked me that favor. So don’t you give up on me.” Then Joe paused for a moment as he took a deep breath. “Well, I tried to move on, but I couldn’t. I tried to find myself but I‘m failing, like there’s something missing. Then you always goes back into my mind and I asked myself a million times if I did the right thing in letting you go, and I even had to convince myself that I did. And it sounded like a lie.” Joe slightly looked away but Ben could see that he’s trying to control his tears. “So I flew to England and asked Gwilym for help, so I could see you. Not being entirely sure if you still want to have me.” Joe chuckled to himself but it sounded bitter. “Then they set us up to meet at the club… only to see you kissing someone… Damn! I don’t know… I wanted to bring back time and take everything that I said or did when I saw … that.” His chest heaved as he inhaled deeply. “I... I regretted letting you go, Ben.” Then tears silently streamed down his face and it looked so painfully beautiful.

  
“Joe.” Ben managed to say. And this time, he couldn’t stop the smile on his lips. He could feel fireworks bursting inside his chest, and if his heart could scream it would surely scream out of happiness. He had to take a deep breath to get a hold of himself. Then his free hand came to brush the tears away from Joe’s face. 

“I know I caused you too much pain, so if I had to make it up to you just to have you back in my life, I’m willing to do anything.” Joe gently took Ben’s hand off his face and rubbed it gently with his thumb.

“Well, is that why you’re here?” 

Joe nodded and squeezed his hand. “... And I’m actually hoping I’m not too late. That the position of being your boyfriend is still available.” A smile appeared on his lips.

Ben bit his lower lip to keep himself from smiling even more. His face reddening. God he could run and jump or take those lips in his own but thankfully he had stopped himself. “You should’ve just told me.” He said, rather, in a low voice.

“Huh?”

“Uhm...Well, lucky you, I haven’t found anyone qualified for the position yet.”

“So... is that a yes?”

“Let me think about it?” He narrowed his eyes as if thinking, and turned to Joe. “You know, you still have to undergo some trials, mister.”

Then they started to walk again as they swung their linked hands together.

“Fair enough.” Joe chuckled. “But what kind of trials?”

“Just get yourself ready, Joseph.”

“I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to express my gratefulness to you guys for loving this story and for having the time to read this, especially who enjoyed it! It just brings joy to me. And I hope to see you and more of you in my future stories for these two men we love. ;)))) 
> 
> And I would still love to know what you guys think of the final chapter, as I truly appreciated each of your comments! So feel free to drop your comments below.
> 
> Much love! <333

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So I've come up with another story. What's supposed to be a one shot was divided into three chapters! Can you believe it?! lmao. Anyway I hope you guys have liked this story. Let me know what you think? ;)


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